A few days ago I talked about those things that many parents do with children while they sleep, giving in (or making us give in) because we know we can do the same thing at night, when they are so asleep that they don't know that we do everything we do. during the day it would mean screaming and crying.
Yielding makes children believe that they have made a decision and that we have accepted it as good, when the reality is different.
"Yes, but they learn that if they complain they give in and end up getting their way" and “There are things that have to be done because yes, even if they don't want to”, have you ever told me. Well yes, I answer, it's true. At that moment I agree not to do something, totally irrational decision if we think about the consequences, but knowing that they are unable to know them.
A child is not usually aware that if you don't put an ointment on him, his skin will get worse by bothering him a lot more (I talk about children with atopic skin, like mine) until he grows up and you can explain it to him (and he understands you). That is why this can be done quietly at another time, even when they sleep.
However, if a child needs medication, it is true, this cannot be postponed. You can wait a few minutes, do it so that you feel better or that you get less angry, but you have to do it.
"But they have to learn who's boss"
"But they have to learn who's boss," I've even heard as a child. "Well, you do, period," he says. All sharp, dry phrases, which must happen at a specific moment, now, now. Words from people who are very clear about how they should act, but that I, as a father, and especially as a child, do not quite understand, especially since they sometimes apply to absurd situations.
I remember in a class that a teacher presented us with a case, trying to find a solution:
You have a daughter with a room full of stuffed animals she loves, but she is always with bronchitis and respiratory problems. One day, after some tests, it is confirmed that his ailments have an allergic origin. The doctor then recommends that you remove any object that may cause allergy, such as dolls with hair. Knowing that you have to remove all the stuffed animals from the girl, how would you do it?
Then he left a few seconds for us to think about an answer and I was surprised to hear a girl next to me say “well, you take them off, period. You see what a problem… ”
The teacher, however, with more humanity and common sense that this girl replied that the best way to do it would be little by little, with a lot of dialogue. Not removing them all at once, the same day, but doing it gradually.
It occurred to me to do something like a story of maturity and growth, summarizing: the stuffed animals, when they grow up and are older, go to the country of stuffed animals to play with other friends, such as when children go to school on a good day . That's why some days, when the stuffed animals are older, they decide that their time at home has already ended and that it is time to leave. That day these stuffed animals (two, three, five, whatever) are made a farewell mini-party and a letter written for the girl is read. It will take it better or worse, but it seems much more bearable than the disappearance because yes, or because "it is that your beloved stuffed animals make you sick and that is why I took them all".
It is true that there are things that have to be done and that there is no other alternative, however, not everything has to be when we say it, because there are things that can be done at another time. The grace of educating a child is not in getting him to do things because someone rules, but in know how to convey some values to do things because they consider that they should do it, what is right or what is beneficial.
Let's say that the ideal is that children do things because they want to do it that way, because they believe in it, because they are motivated and not exclusively because it is our desire. To achieve this it takes time, dialogue and patience and this is, for me, the hard way.
The easy one is that taken by those parents who do not speak with their children, but who order them, who do not dialogue, but forbid. So I know how to be a father myself, but how do I teach my son to think?
The path of dialogue is complicated and often desperate, because you don't always get the results you want to get. Many people say "I don't know how much to talk about, if they then do what they want." Well, easy, because when you speak you have to be aware that you are not always going to get the result you want to get. Sometimes it takes more equal situations, more moments and more dialogue to make a child reach the conclusion that we want him to reach.
“But why so much roll? You are his father, not his friend ”
Well, to learn how to do things not "because", or because "I say so," or because "while you're under my roof things are done that way." But to teach him to think. To think about what the options are and what the consequences are, for you to choose and get right and for you to choose and make a mistake.
Our role as parents is not to always say yes, or to always say no, but to accompany and, whenever possible, let them decide. How else are they going to know how to choose tomorrow when they are adults and have to make daily decisions?
