The reconstituted families, formed by mothers and fathers who are no longer with the couple they had children with, are increasingly common. It may be she who brings children to the new family, it may be he, or they both have children from previous relationships.
Creating a new family can be difficult for everyone, but traditionally "the bad guy in the movie" had been the stepmother. However, the stepmothers have given way to other more human, who get along with their stepchildren and do not want to make their lives impossible. The same goes for stepparents.
Perhaps the fact that stepmothers were so "weird" in the past made them take that role of bad in stories. Or perhaps it is simply that they embody a universal prototype: that of the jealous person who does not want to share the love of his partner, even with his children.
But today stepmothers and stepfathers are increasingly common. And luckily, more real than those in the stories. And, although every family will have its problems (including the most traditional ones), it is in the hands of the parents to facilitate the integration of children into the new family nucleus.
Tips for working the reconstituted family
There are certain recommendations so that a good relationship is established between the members of the reconstituted families. We have to think mainly about children and their well-being, because it is not easy for them to adapt to such a big change.
When you are going to start living together, you have to have realistic expectations that can be met. Adaptation time is necessary for everyone in the family, and thanks to the coexistence little by little everyone will know each other better. Feeling comfortable in the new home is not a matter of days.
You have to be flexible, not get distraught and face the problems that arise with positivism. Good humor can be a good help in many conflicting or worrying situations.
It is essential to try to establish a solid foundation for a new family, even if it takes time. You have to organize family activities in which everyone participates to create a family identity, start sharing good moments and create good memories in common. Trips, excursions, games ... Creating customs that everyone enjoys will make children want that time to come.
In the same way that we do not want a couple from the first moment, we must give us time to love stepchildren, and that they love us. We will not force situations, it is normal to feel strange or feel out of place at first. We will base the relationship with them on mutual trust and respect.
We can make mistakes in this way, and we must know how to recognize mistakes, and ask for help if necessary, from the couple, from friends, or from the children themselves.
Let's practice honesty, actively listening without criticizing or judging others. This is valid both for listening to the children of the other, as well as their own, the couple or the biological parents of the stepchildren in what they have to tell us.
It is convenient to avoid confusing situations making clear what our role in the family is, a role that we will have defined with our partner. What responsibilities do we have, what space do we leave to the children, how do we relate to the father or mother ...
And we reach an important point. We probably don't have a friendship with the mother or father of the children, but we must try to make it a positive relationship or at least as neutral as possible. You have to accept that they want to participate in the lives of their children and allow it.
Communication is basic in any relationship, also in the reconstituted families. We must communicate effectively, ask for forgiveness when necessary, convey our fears, anger, doubts ... and also the joys.
As we have advanced, coexistence is not perfect for families with stepmothers or stepparents, or for others. Let's be aware of this: the potholes will look less deep and it will be easier for us to get out.
Facing the challenges of the new family with optimism is fundamental, we will encounter problems as we find them in any family. Not becoming obsessed with the difficulties of a reconstituted family, or starting to form it with prejudices, is essential for a good coexistence. In the end, we must think that it is for the good of the children that we have to try to make that the reconstituted family ends up being that, a family, with a solid base of mutual affections, which may arrive over time.
We hope this Decalogue for the new family to work, with stepmothers or stepparents that nothing has to do with those of the stories, you find it useful. Thus your children and / or mine will become "ours."
