Some time ago I read a novel that was called like this: "The Dethroned Prince", by Miguel Delibes, on which the movie" Dad's War "is based, with which he illustrated the article. He talks about the life of a little boy when his little sister arrives and he finds that his entire universe collapses. It is no longer the center of attention, you are suddenly asked to stop acting like a baby and assume responsibilities and behaviors for which you are not prepared.
But the boy is scared, he feels that he has lost his place in the world, his mother's love, his prerogatives and his life. And as he is scared he gets angry. And he becomes capricious and mischievous. It even suffers a regression to attitudes and behaviors already overcome. He continually asks for attention that nobody has time or willingness to give.
And the worst part is that nobody understands. They get mad at him, they get desperate. Nobody has the attention time, the pampering to give and that he needs so much.
What can happen to our dethroned prince? As the boy in history is pressured by something that surpasses him everywhere. A two or three year old child still needs a lot of attention from his parents and, although he may show tenderness towards the baby, deep down he would want it to disappear. He can't want it as adults want it. He hugs him so hard that it hurts him. Some hit him but then hide and believe that something else happened. They really believe it, they still confuse reality and imagination. They are not responsible.
Some escape this new situation with a regression. They suck their fingers, ask for the pacifier, babble and pee.
The adults, who are exhausted by the arrival of a baby and many times because of external concerns, we demand that he "be older" and get angry with him. That sweet little boy who made a thousand carantos is now an imp that links tantrum with mischief. We explode.
Tell him that it's bad, silly, that we don't want him, punish him, all that is counterproductive. It hurts us but it is certainly him who hurts the most. And it's no use.
Maybe the first tip would come before all this. And when we want to have a second child, we must be very realistic. Can the major dispense with our exclusive attention when the baby is born? Do we have the right personal and economic situation to give both of them what they need? Is the father involved in raising the elder to be able to replace the mother when necessary? Have we planned who is going to lend us a hand in the puerperium?
We rarely think deeply about these things. And it is very important for the emotional health of the whole family to have them tied. Once all these circumstances have been analyzed, if we find it really feasible to assume the new responsibility, a second step arrives. Study. Yes, study.
Understand the process our will face dethroned prince It's fundamental. Carlos Gonzalez, in "Kiss me a lot" sets an example. If your husband came home with a new wife and told you that you have to love her and play with her, would you love the idea or would it sound like a joke?
Saving the distances, even if the couple's relationship is something else, for a young child, the love of his parents is the most important thing in the world and he is happy as he is. A new child, especially if he is not old enough to play alone or expect attention or comfort, is no unquestionable joy. It has many inconveniences. Promising that when the baby is born will have another child to play with is not a good idea. Until the baby stops being a nuisance it will be quite a while, and while the stage will come at which the baby will be breaking all his games. The truth, how much patience children have. Little brothers give them more headaches than satisfactions. And it is not they who have decided that the little brother arrives, it has been us.
If the child pees, even if he is awake and on our leather sofa, we must be mature and not be enraged. He will not know how to explain his motives, it is something that is not conscious at all and at the same time is not totally unconscious. Self-control takes years. Sometimes I lose it too. How can he not lose him who is under a lot of tension? As I say, it is time to show who has the self-control and who is the adult, so we must not lose neither nerves nor patience, much less if we hope they do not lose them.
The best therapy is example, patience and empathy. Talk, talk a lot, sweetly, with feeling. Offering you unconditional love, without judgments or labels. Although very young the child understands and above all, more than words, understands attitudes. It is usually a great help that when the second child arrives, the elder is able to understand and express himself, but even so, children may not know how to explain what they feel.
When our dethroned prince make us nervous about some tantrum, you have to control yourself. Who is entitled to tantrums, the child or us? I have it clear, adults are us and we are also the ones who have made the decision to give him a little brother. So we must show that we are trained to handle the situation instead of leaving it on its small backs.
How do you think you have to handle this situation? How did you cope with it?
