Fear of sexual abuse It is perhaps one of the most terrible black beasts of fatherhood. The mere idea that something like this could happen to our children is devastating and unbearable. But avoiding the issue, however difficult it may be, is not a good strategy. How can we address it to prevent and protect our children?
According to the National Center of Child Abuse and Neglect (now called the Children's Bureau), sexual abuse is defined as “contacts and interactions between a child and an adult when the adult (the aggressor) uses the child to sexually stimulate himself, the child or to another person. Sexual abuse can also be committed by a person under 18 when it is significantly older than the child (victim) or when the aggressor is in a position of power or control over another. ”
Child sexual abuse can be caused by direct (physical) or indirect contact, such as exhibitionism, exposing children to sexual material or using them to develop pornography, in addition to abuse through new technologies: cyberbullying, grooming, sexting ...
The data. One in ten men and one in five women in the world claim to have suffered sexual abuse. In our country, a study by the University of Barcelona determined that 17.9% of the subjects surveyed (university population) had suffered sexual abuse before the age of 18.
Myths and realities
Myths:
- Abuse by parents only occurs in unstructured, dysfunctional or low socioeconomic families.
- The aggressors are always unknown, never familiar / The aggressors are always from the close or familiar environment of the child.
- When it happens it is impossible not to notice ("If it happened in my family I would have it very clear").
- The aggressors are always men.
Realities:
- 86% of the aggressors are men and 14% women.
- It is rare for the aggressor to resort to physical violence: the strategy is usually through deception (gift promise, for example).
- 85% of the aggressors knew the victim (so 15% were unknown).
- It is more frequent for the aggressor to choose a victim of the opposite sex, but there are also cases (many) in which they are of the same sex.
Sexual behavior in children: they are not always an alarm
Sometimes the presence of sexual behaviors in children makes parents' alarms go off. However, it is important that we keep in mind that It is absolutely normal for children to perform certain behaviors as part of their affective-sexual development, that is, it is something evolutionary and therefore we should not worry. Let's look at some of the usual behaviors that we can observe in children between 2 and 6 years old:
- Touch the genitals (in public or in private).
- Masturbating (touching for pleasure).
- Teach your friends genitals.
- Be curious about your friends' genitals (wanting to see or touch them) and / or dad and mom's.
Possible alarm signals
The determination of abuse involves the consideration of several factors, so when in doubt or suspicion the best is consult with a professional To advise and help.
According to the American Pediatric Association there are a series of behaviors that could be telling us that something is happening (although I insist, if in doubt or suspicion it is best to consult a specialist). Some of these possible signs are:
- Abrupt change in the child's behavior, such as with more aggressive behaviors, social withdrawal, worse academic performance, or returning to conduct behaviors already overcome evolutionarily, such as wetting the bed.
- Pain or discomfort that have no explanation for concrete disease, such as headaches, stomach aches, etc.
- Excessive reactions when we ask if something has happened to you, if something has been done to you ...
- React with fear before the possibility of being alone with a certain person or going to a specific place.
- Show anxiety before a medical exam.
- Show a knowledge about sexual practices and language unfit for his age and abilities.
- its behavior is hypersexualized and insistently try to have other children (or adults) perform sexual behaviors.
- Participation in sexual behavior with children with a age difference of more than 4 years
- Imitation Explicit intercourse.
- Introduce objects in the genitals as usual.
- Sexual behaviors associated with aggressive behaviors.
- Touch the genitals to animals.
It is important to note that the presence of these (or other) sexual behaviors in children It is not indicative per se, or single signal, to determine the presence of sexual abuse: studies indicate that these may occur in non-abused children and / or in cases of children who suffer violence (physical or emotional) but not sexual abuse.
What can we do to try to prevent it?
- Establish a trust framework: If the children feel that they can come to us, that they can tell us anything, it is more likely that they will turn to us if there is a situation in which they are not comfortable. For this it is necessary that we do not judge or ridicule them when they tell us their things (whatever), but that we listen to them with respect and affection.
- As an extension to the previous point we must work with them "the secrets": We can explain that if someone asks them to keep a secret, and especially if that secret makes them feel bad or they don't like it, they can always tell us. Let's establish with them a safety net They can trust.
- Let us call things by name: we may have a certain cut, modesty or shame, or think that it is not appropriate, but it is important that children know and use the real name of the parts of your body, including, of course, the genitals. The use of the real name prevents them from thinking that it is something bad, or that they feel ashamed of it.
- In addition to the previous point, it should be taught that there are especially private parts of your body (those covered by the swimsuit), and in general that his body is his and you have the right to privacy (in the next section you will find more information about this aspect).
- Explain (based on your age) the possible risk situations and how he could react: just as you tell him that the traffic light does not cross when it is in red you can explain that if an adult offers you something, a toy or a candy for example, inform us of it immediately.
- And in general, offer a good emotional-sexual education from the first years.
Your body is yours
One of the important points towards prevention is, as I said before, to make sure that the children understand that their body is theirs, and that nobody has the right to do anything to them that they do not want or that they do not feel comfortable with. How can we convey this message?
- Let's not force affection: force them to give kisses or hugs if they do not feel like it, even to family members (for example, grandparents, which is a classic: "I do not want to kiss grandma!") is not recommended, as it can generate confusion about the fact that a close figure has unwanted contact with them. We can ask you to simply say goodbye, and when you feel like giving them a kiss or a hug, but not force them.
- Teach them to say no": They should know that they can say no to certain requests and behaviors related to their body (and in general).
- Talk to them about affection and emotional demonstrations, establishing a frame of reference for them: what is usually done, how we usually behave with people we love ... It is convenient to explain that there are contacts that are pleasant, we like and make us feel good, so that when it is not so, when they feel bad They must tell us.
In short, a good sexual education, creating a framework of trust with the child and making sure that he knows and understands his body and emotional relationships, are the keys to work, prevent and protect our children.
If you have any questions or suspects consult a professional, for example to your child's pediatrician. For more information, Save The Children published a guide to resources and addresses of interest (classified by autonomous communities) that you may find useful.
Photos: Pexels.com
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