When a couple has a child, their lives change completely, both personally and as a couple. They are no longer alone, they are no longer just a couple, but they become a family.
And in that transformation from couple to family, where as a couple they were the sum of two people responsible for themselves, autonomous and independent, a newborn baby sneaks in, which is the opposite of what they are: dependent, nothing autonomous and very, very demanding, so much, that the first discussions and anger begin. To talk about it, we are going to show you today what are the nine reasons why couples discuss when they are parents.
But what do parents lose when the baby arrives? Has this not always happened?
Of course it has always happened, but life changes, generation after generation, and babies not. They are always the same, those born 200 years ago and those born now. Dependents, plaintiffs, crying as soon as something bothers them a little and in need of continuous contact sometimes.
At a current time when people live in immediacy and have lost a little patience, the shock is getting stronger, more intense. What do I mean immediately? Well, now that we need more and more things and we need them to "every time before": do you remember when to talk to someone you had to call his house, at the risk of not being there, and leave a message to call hours later , or sometimes the next day? Do you remember when, to hear from someone far away, we sent a letter whose response was days, weeks later? Do you remember when to make food our mothers threw themselves the whole morning in the kitchen? Do you remember when you washed your clothes by hand, when there were no dryers and lay on ropes to dry, when there was no dishwasher and things were washed by hand? Do you remember when you only traveled once a year, and relatively close?
All that has changed: now there are appliances that do things for us, there are establishments where they make us food or pre-cooked food (which I do not say is healthy, but there is), and with it we have everything before. We communicate instantly, wherever you are, via mail, via instant messaging, we travel paying little, far away, needs increase, consumption also, leisure, haste to satisfy us and with it, as I say, the smack, having a child, is growing.
Growing, and not only causes disorientation in each of the parents, but also among them, because they are at different times of personal maturity, for not having the same desire to have a child (sometimes the mother insisted so much that they have had, but the father was not so excited, or vice versa), because taking care of a baby is often exhausting, and there comes a time when They are both so tired that they argue for any nonsense, because one is more involved than the other, due to differences in criteria when educating children, etc.
The nine reasons why parents argue
Statistics say that parents can get to have about 100 discussions a year (about 8 a month), for different reasons and reasons. According to a survey commented on Babyology that was conducted on the care.com portal, the reasons why parents argue are:
- How to educate the child: when they are a couple one does not know how the other will be with their baby, because one does not act as a father or mother until it is. And sometimes you even think you know how it will be and then with your child it is totally different, and this can lead to important differences in the way of doing things. It is common for one of the two to be very affectionate, respectful, close and fast when they hear the baby crying and the other does not see the need or benefit of doing so.
- How to handle your tantrums: The usual way to handle a tantrum is to ignore it. This is how parents are always told. However, a tantrum It is still the suffering of a child, your internal struggle between what you want to do or achieve and what you may or may not achieve. He doesn't understand and acts that way. It's his way of explaining his problems to us and that's why we shouldn't ignore him, but he doesn't always look like this.
- Let one parent say "yes" when the other says "no": and neither of them gives in because they consider their response to be the most logical or beneficial for the child.
- Failure to comply with a threat or punishment: either one imposed by oneself, which then does not comply, or imposed by the other, undermining its authority: "is that you are very soft", "is that I told him that if he did he would punish him, he has done it and not you have punished ", etc.
- Being too authoritarian: if one of the two shouts, loses his temper or imposes a consequence on the child that the other considers exaggerated and harmful to the child.
- What to do when the baby cries: Go quickly to calm him or let him cry for a little while so he gets used to not being so demanding? We have always explained that babies must be cared for because his brain is immature and he needs us to teach them to calm down. Come on, it is best to take the baby because it is what you need and expect ... but not everyone understands it that way.
- How much to spend for a birthday or Christmas: one who wants to give a lot, the other who thinks that in the past we didn't have so many things and we were very happy and we already have discussion for a while.
- How to reward the child: when you deserve to be awarded a prize and when not. If the prizes are positive or if they are not. If I want to give this or this, if with such a prize the child has stopped doing things for himself and only does them when he knows there is a prize, etc.
- Let the child sleep in the parents' bed: that one says that they sleep better, with the child inside and enjoy together and the other says no, that children have to sleep in their room even if they cry a little.
- Who should do what, because he is more tired: But there were nine? Yes, there were nine, but I put it as a gift because it does not come from the aforementioned survey. It is something that we have lived in my house. She tired of taking all day with the child, getting home from work, also tired and saying to each other what to do, do Easter, etc., and we both began to compare ourselves to see who has done more or is more tired: "I have not stopped here with the child", "already, and I have not stopped at work", "already, but it is not the same because you leave home, break with the routine and You talk to people ... I'm here alone with the child "," now, but you're home and leave, and you can rest at times "," yes, but I wake up more times than you at night because he wants a tit and I go all day super tired "...
What to do in these cases?
Whether the discussions are relatively heated and none give their arm to twist as if they are calmer, the goal is to try to find peace. Peace, when there is a war, is reached through a negotiation in which the parties have to give in some points. Well, in a couple it has to be the same because if not the family unit can be very damaged.
Both should sit down and talk about it when they are calm, because it is a good way to seek consensus and decide at what points one yields and at what points the other yields, or simply to express arguments and feelings and, at the very least, understand the reasons for The other part.
Photos | iStock
In Babies and more | Discuss in front of the children. It is not always necessary to avoid it, Being a dad: when having a child uncovers the box of thunder, Parents who fight harm their children's ability to recognize and regulate their emotions
