When a pregnancy is lost, the couple faces one of the most difficult times. All those illusions, that love already given, the fullness, the emotions, everything falls apart. The psychological and emotional consequences of a natural abortion They can be very painful for both.
The pain of loss
The pain of the loss will be intense but will vary according to the woman's expectations, her ideas, and also her character. For the father there is also a lot of pain, a pain that is rarely attended to, and, although for the man the loss did not occur in his body, he also feels that he has lost his son, although his reactions tend to be different than those of the mother, always from the diversity of people.
The woman, because we will initially focus on her, must face mourning for the unborn child. Grief will be mixed with fear and anxiety, fear of not having more children, guilt for thinking that it could be her fault and a great sadness thinking of all that love she will always keep for her son.
Although we try to cheer her up, minimize her loss or tell her about the other children she will have, it's not worth much. You have to be able to recognize that mourning, which takes a process of acceptance, and that will be cured when she is ready, but never denying that what has happened has great importance in her life path.
The pain can be very intense and in some cases lead to depression that could last for years. Actually, when the pregnancy is lost quite advanced, the tragedy is experienced intensely and more understood, although we must not deny or ignore the penalty that occurs even when the natural abortion has occurred in the first trimester.
It is considered that at least one third of pregnancies end in abortion and in most cases there is no certain cause to explain what happened. If there is, at least knowing it can cure the mother's uncertainty, since most women who suffer a natural abortion can have healthy children without problems. Even if there is a known medical cause, knowing it helps prevent or be prepared for difficulties.
But in most cases the loss occurs without knowing the reason and is simply part of how delicate the reproductive process is. Although that, at first, will not calm the pain.
Social silence
Although natural abortion is something that happens quite frequently society is not prepared, nor the mothers either, to assume it and understand it. Rather he refuses, avoids talking about it, silences himself, as if it had never happened and as if the penalty should be buried. But you can also make the mistake of saying things that should never be said to a woman who has had an abortion.
When a woman has lost a pregnancy she needs support and understanding. He needs to cry, give a name to that son who will not be born, assume him in his life, fire him, feel accompanied by him, like another son. We must never deny that she has the right to despair, grief, anguish and fear, standing by her side so that she does not feel alone, and watching that the pain does not overwhelm her until she is left in a depression.
It seems that we are afraid to talk about it, by shame, but for a mother who has lost a desired pregnancy it is incomprehensible to live surrounded by loved ones who do as if nothing had happened.
Another woman's pregnancy for a mother who has had an abortion
For the mother who has suffered an abortion, emotions are in full bloom, but, especially if her pain has not been recognized by her surroundings, Assuming a happy pregnancy in your environment can be a very hard test.
Well, if other people in the environment, family or friends, expect another child or become pregnant immediately afterwards, the mother may feel betrayed, by them, by life, by herself.
It is a very delicate situation and sometimes the woman reacts angry or away from those who do have a happy pregnancy. We should not feel resentment for it, if we understand your grief we can apologize that your reactions are incomprehensible. Talking with the heart and respecting the pain or the need for estrangement helps them to rebuild their strength to face what happened, rejoice for the children of others and prepare for a new pregnancy.
The father
For man, natural abortion is also a painful situation., although it does not imply the same emotions nor does it have the same physical and hormonal reflex. It will depend on your connection with the expected baby or with the advance of pregnancy how intensely it will hurt.
But, whatever it is, many times parents don't know how they should react. They think, mistakenly, that becoming strong and pushing the partner to overcome it quickly can help. Or they hide their pain under layers and layers of self-control. But they can also feel the need to cry, to lament, to be afraid and to miss their son. Then, from the strength and support that your partner expects from them, they should know that showing their grief, crying embraced, recognizing pain, can be much more healing than denial.
Resources to overcome an abortion
The loneliness that I have reflected makes many mothers look for other women with whom to share their fears and grief. And many do it through the internet. Especially recommended is the forum Overcoming an abortion ”where this topic is treated from all points of view, the physiological and the emotional, sharing experiences.
Our environment has not developed any ritual for this type of loss. Abortion is an uncomfortable subject, the cause of which is often unknown. We need to face this shadow and be a respected process. In almost all clinics and hospitals, the family that has gone through an abortion has to share rooms and spaces with happy births; It is as if you share a party room with a funeral home, for reasons of economy or lack of space.
Another pregnancy
There are medical and physiological aspects that would indicate when the woman can have another embarazo, being recommended to wait at least three months. Although there are data that recommend not waiting much longer because there are fewer complications, WHO, taking into account psychological aspects, indicates that at least six months are necessary to overcome the emotional trauma of abortion.
Without being able to give a general date, without a doubt, for a woman to face a new pregnancy it is necessary that she go through her grieving process and overcome, although she never forgets, the pain of the loss of the child that will not be born.
“The empty cradle”
“The empty cradle“It is a highly recommended book for those who have had an abortion and for their environment. The authors are the gynecologist and psychiatrist Emilio Santos, the psychologist Rosa Jové, Angels Claramunt and the psychologist Mónica Alvarez.
The work is aimed at families facing an abortion, giving them guidelines to understand their pain, misunderstanding of the environment or the treatment of medicine towards their situation.
What Dr. Emilio Santos told us in the interview that Babies did and more
When, about a year ago, we had the pleasure of interview doctor Emilio SantosWe wanted to address this issue, knowing that as a gynecologist and psychiatrist you could help us better understand the process. I leave a fragment of that interview as the end of this topic.
How can a woman who lost a baby in childbirth or pregnancy face again the gestation of a child without feeling fear?
Spontaneous abortion and the loss of a pregnancy are events that we must understand as something that happens in nature, a seed can produce a beautiful plant or it may not germinate or do so but not progress. Nature is like that. We have no choice but to accept nature as it is. When a woman has suffered an abortion she needs to go through an emotional process that can be hard, but that is also a maturation process, an acceptance process. The good professional knows how to respect the importance that this process entails for women. A very common mistake on the part of professionals is to try to help forget or try to help minimize this process.
What should be done to help these women?
The mistake he was talking about translates into well-intentioned but wrong phrases such as: "You'll have another baby," "This is nothing," "Forget it." The woman who has suffered an abortion has lived it as something very impressive and very important.He needs his grieving time, his time to digest it, his time to accept it, and his rituals to give that lost baby the importance it deserves. When that woman has another pregnancy, it will be a different one; it cannot be pretended that a mother replaces a lost child with another child to come. They are different beings and each one must have their place in the minds of their loved ones. Otherwise, certain psychological disorders can occur in the new child or in the parents themselves.
I hope this topic helps us cope better the painful trance of a natural abortion and to accompany and better understand the psychological aspects of mothers of our environment that may suffer.
