Surely if at the time of our parents or our grandparents someone had asked them this question they would have put on the face of "what are you talking about?", Because at that time he was the father who could or was known and not studied so much The parents' education style was not related to the possible outcome.
Yes, I know that the way of being of an individual is determined by his innate character, the environment in which he lives, friends, etc., but hey, parents are the basis of all this, and it is not the same for a child to have permissive parents as authoritarian ones, as it is not the same to have tiger parents as helicopters. What kind of parents are you?
Permissive parents
We started with a type of parents who, unfortunately, I think they abound a lot today. They have fled from authoritarianism prevailing in past decades. They have decided that punishing the child, hitting him and "because I say so" is not exactly what they would like to do and opt for a less rigorous educational style, leaving the child much more freedom, but sometimes reaching the point of being excessive .
That in the event that they have done that rejection exercise towards what they received and have chosen to do it differently, because it may happen that that has not happened and that they are simply doing what they have done all their lives, give up the command to another. If they became totally annulled by very authoritarian parents who considered that a well-educated child is one who continuously obeys their parents, they became people with little ability to handle any situation, difficulties in making decisions and insecure without a guide constant. They are people very capable of doing what they are asked, but very unable to create or take the initiative. So, as parents, it’s not difficult for them to end up yield completely to children, which often end up taking control of the situation.
This is not positive, because when a child makes the decisions the danger is evident. You can do what you want, whenever you want, and you can subdue your parents. And eye, it does not because it is a little devil because many times, a child with permissive parents, behaves very badly because he is trying to get the attention of the parents so that, once and for all, they take the reins of the home: " I'm messing with you so you can tell me how far I can go. " But if the parents do not, if they continue to "obey", letting the child do what he wants or just singing "do not do this, do not do the other" without any authority to then leave it as impossible, the family's malfunction you can enquer and the child end up believing that it must actually be he who controls the situation. As you can imagine, it is a very dangerous parenting style and dangerous for the child, which must assume a role that does not pertoca.
The little involved parents
"Now I can't", "Can't you see that I'm busy?", "Now I don't have time", "Honey, I'm coming home, have the children already fallen asleep?", Are phrases that can be heard parents little involved in the education of their children. They have children because it is their turn to have them, or because the couple wants to have them and they (or they) not so much. They feel a minimum responsibility, but they get little involved in education because he hears, "between school, TV, his friends or brothers and grandparents" they are already educating him.
They often decide to even have more than one child so that, in this way, one keeps company with the other and the responsibility towards them is even less: "so they already play with each other and I don't have to do anything", and "the eldest , take care of the little one. " I already know it. What I am saying sounds very hard, cold, calculating and premeditated, but there are parents who have these feelings. If you wonder about the origin, it will probably be a life full of lacks and dissatisfactions which leads them to grow and reach adulthood even with the feeling of having to continue receiving a lot from others. Come on, they feel that the world still owes them a lot and, consequently, they are not yet prepared to give too much to others. Not even his children.
The consequence? Well, children who do not feel too dear, who feel rejected, who may end up having low self-esteem and consequently difficulties in social relations (because they always feel inferior), as well as low academic results.
Authoritarian parents
They are the ones of a lifetime. Do you know when someone says that "this has been done a lifetime and nothing has happened"? Well, these are. They are the parents who consider that the children should obey them, that they should do what they say, as if they belonged and owned and could treat them with less respect than they deserve.
They punish them, they shout at them, they can hit them to try to teach them who's boss and how things are done and they tend to exert authority by force, rather than through dialogue.
One of his flag phrases is "who loves you, will make you cry", and they take it almost to the letter because they consider that those children who are treated with righteousness and discipline are being trained for a hard life, in which , theoretically, they will perform better.
The problem is that respect is confused with fear and children do not really recognize their authority, but their ability to harm them physically or psychologically. They tend to have low self-esteem, they can become too submissive and obedient and end up annulled in their ability to make decisions and many become lost adults, who even when their parents are gone, they still think "what would they think if they saw me" . In the face of such control, many children become liars to avoid punishment and reprimands and the reason for doing good is none other than preventing them from doing evil.
Helicopter parents
Always flying over their children, pending everything, to anticipate any problem and remedy before they appear. When they are babies, it is logical to be like that, but little by little parents should stop flying over to leave them with more autonomy, as they ask for it.
They run the risk of becoming the stewards of their children, so they do everything for them even when children are able to do it for themselves. They choose the clothes they have to wear, they put them on because they go faster, they pour the water, they cut the meat and take away the ingredients they don't like, if they eat out. In fact, if they eat out, they choose their food. They want to avoid any problem and any suffering, but they pass by because, in a way, they live the life that their children should live.
This is a problem for parents, who dedicate their lives fully to living their children's lives and then, when the child asks for autonomy, they understand it as a rejection or as a lack of gratitude, and it is a problem for the children, precisely because although at first, as a child, it is positive, later it is not, because they cannot grow as individuals, being constantly limited by the "correct" choices of their parents. Come on, you can never go wrong or learn why they can't even choose how to live.
Tiger parents
Fashioned by the mother tiger, are those parents who join the car of Eastern education that has as a rule manage to get the maximum productive potential from the child. The world of emotions and fun is relegated to the background to fully enter the toughest competitiveness, where you must stand out in school, studying hard both inside and outside of school, playing some instrument trying to reach virtuosity and rejecting games and toys, unless they are educational, as they are considered a waste of time.
In view of society, they are splendid children because they show everything that an adult person aspires to be: someone of success. However, the struggle to achieve that as a child hides a deep neglect in matters of attachment, empathy, emotional intelligence and are children who can show many lacks in this regard. They are children who often rebel against the constant struggle to meet very high parental expectations (with major frustrations) or even become so perfectionist and obsessive that they don't enjoy their achievements, for always aiming for more.
Democratic parents
I have left them for the end because they are the kind of parents we should all try to be (or at least know them, to have the reference of what, today, is considered ideal). They are very communicative parents, fleeing from quick fixes such as cheek on time or punishments because they know that education is a long-term process. They are able to establish clear rules and explain them to their children so that they understand and internalize them, little by little. They leave them autonomy so that they can learn to do things, but they observe them in case later, in private, they consider it appropriate to talk about it.
When talking with the children, they try to make them think so that they fall into their own mistakes, although in case the situation should stop instantly (because they are bothering or harming someone), they act quickly to cut the action, explain why that should not be done and show the difference between what is right and what is wrong, trying to get the child to put himself in the place of the other person.
They are not often heard a "No", although they use it when necessary. They consider that the important thing is not to say "No" to a child to educate him, but be clear when to use it. For this they are able to transform a "don't do that" into a "if you do that, this could happen another".
They usually enjoy a good mood, pass a lot of time with the children and establish a relationship of trust with them such that communication is enriching, children feel loved and safe (with high self-esteem compared to other children) and everything is easier. Children tend to be more sincere and decide to behave well because they want to be good people, and not to avoid any punishment, cheek or reprimand, precisely because their parents do not use all of it.
But, I am more than one, or a little all, or it depends on the time
We talk about educational styles, of course, and precisely because we are human, rational and changing beings, we can see that sometimes it is difficult to place ourselves in one or another style. What kind of parents are you? Well, more than one will say that it started being one, that later it became another and that it ended up being the one from beyond. Or that according to what moment is one and according to what moment is another.
Well, this being parents is not easy, I think that all of us are clear, but I think it is interesting to address the issue and the definitions for know the possible consequences. Of course we are going to be wrong many times, hundreds of them, but if love is ahead, and especially good intentions, surely our children (who are also wrong) will know how to understand us.
Meanwhile, while we learn, we must try to get as close as possible to democratic parents, which are called that because they take into account the voice and vote of their children in family matters, although they do not cease to be parents. That is to say, children are not at the same level of hierarchy, but it is not necessary to make it clear either, because being able to explain the rules, being able to dialogue with children, being able to give reasons and dedicate time to it, they, the children, accept that they, the parents, they have the authority to be (Children do not feel the need or obligation to take command, as in the permissive style).
And how I do it?
Well, that is what I ask myself for many days, how to become a democratic father, because there are days that I do as a book, but there are days that I am left alone in the attempt and that it is difficult for me to take the leg of how deeply I have tucked in Well, I don't have many tips, but what usually works for me is breathing for a moment, not trying to force things, so that they go out alone, and try with spend more time with them. Surprisingly, when you dedicate more time, communication begins to flow better, the relationship is restored (if it had deteriorated) and they start listening to you more than when you are so busy that they end up doing their best to get your attention (for good times and for the evil ones).
Courage, patience, do not torture yourself for the mistakes you have made and that you will surely make, be clear that they are children, and that they are also wrong (and do inexplicable things), but internalize that they are learning and have more excuse. Ah! And as I say, think that many of the things they do are because seek our attention, that which, for whatever reason, we have not given them for a few days.
